Splatfest exposes Team Red Version as frauds

Pokemon Red Version has always been the popular one. The pretty one. The one all the girls and boys wanted. It was the Petyon Manning to Blue Version's Eli. If you were a Blue Version owner, you know the rhetoric: Red's a better color. Red's more popular. Red has better pokemon. You should have picked Red Version. Charizard is better than Blastoise.

Nobody wants to be labeled as unpopular, but that's the label Blue Version has had to bear while living in its more popular sibling's shadow. Nothing will ever change that fact either, Red Version was in fact more popular, but Splatoon has given Blue Version, and its awesome supporters, the means to strike back and claim a bit of glory for themselves in ink-based, color-coded squid-gang violence.

And claim it they did! In the international Splatfest, Team Blue Version (Green Version in Japan) proceeded to whip the asses of Team Red Version in what can only be described as a three-part curb stomp symphony. After more than two decades of proclaiming superiority, you'd think those losers would have fought back a little harder than they did.

North America:

Red Version: 55% votes / 41% wins

Blue Version: 45% votes / 59% wins

Europe and Oceania:

Red Version: 64% votes / 43% wins

Blue Version: 36% votes / 57% wins

Japan:

Red Version: 61% votes / 36% wins

Green Version: 39% votes / 64% wins

As you can see, it's total domination on behalf of Blue Version in all regions. I guess Team Red Version just isn't good at video games. They can keep their popularity, I hear misery is easier to bear with more people. Besides, I'd rather be good than popular any day of the week.

Now that Blue Version has the world's attention, it's time to lay down some cold hard facts:

1) Blue Version has great Pokemon too.

Just look at that majestic fucking Ninetales. Sure Mankey and Scyther are pretty cool, but Sandshrew and Victreebel are far superior to their Red Version counterparts. Ekans is a fucking snake, we have those in real life, and its name is just Snake spelled backwards. Holy shit, that's arguably lazier than Voltorb, because at least they had to make up Pokeballs before they just slapped eyes on a Pokeball and called it a Pokemon. By the way, Electabuzz is just as stupid as Magmar.

2) Blastoise kicks Charizard's ass.

This isn't even up for debate, it's a fact. Charizard may look cool, but Blastoise was designed specifically to crap all over him due to the “Rock, Paper, Scissors” nature of the starters. The most viewed Youtube video with Charizard in it? A video of Blastoise killing him in a Death Battle. Get rekt. Also, nobody has ever been as excited about anything as that one kid was to get a Blastoise, because Blastoise is too damn awesome.

3) Successful people prefer Blue Version.

I had Blue Version as a child. Ronda Rousey loves her some Pokemon, and she had Blue Version as a child too. So did Team Blue Version, and we've already established that they're the most successful Splatfest team in world history. That's just three examples of "World's Greatest" that say Blue Version is Best Version.