Are there probably too many Zombie games, shows, and movies these days? Almost certainly. Am I tired of them yet? Hell no. Zombies remain one of our greatest monsters, not because of anything particular about them, but because of the situations they put our characters in. For instance, there’s nothing quite like having to watch a mother slice off her zombie-child’s head with a samurai sword as he tries to eat her delicious brains. Zombies are scary because they’re us, but also not.
It’s become rather popular in recent years to plan for the hypothetical Zombie Apocalypse, and a question that is inevitably raised is ‘Who would you want to have in your group?’ For the purpose of this article, we’re limiting it to video game characters who have never actually fought zombies, cause that would be too easy. Plus, we all like to believe that we would be Frank West if put in that situation, but having run a zombie simulation before (a group of camp counselors as Survivors, with a 100 high school kids as the zombies) I can tell you that that simply isn’t true (I died. Like, immediately).
Link (Zelda games)
Killin’ zombies, savin’ Princesses. NBD, as the kids are saying.
Why you would want him: This one’s pretty easy. Link is a master with many weapons, including swords, bombs, and boomerangs. He’s also got a horse, a bird, and a boat, all of which I’m sure would come in handy during a zombie apocalypse. He can shoot arrows with a deadly precision, and he kills skeletons all the time, which are pretty similar to zombies.
The most important reason, though? Lack of conflict. Link doesn’t even talk, which means he’s never going to bitch about you dividing up the last remaining cans of food unfairly.
Why you might not: All of that silence might get kind of creepy after a while. And the last thing I’d want during a Zombie Apocalypse is Link playing his f*cking Ocarina around the campfire.
Jack (Mass Effect 2)
The kind of girl you could bring home to mom.
Why you would want her: Pretty much any of the Mass Effect characters would be useful to have along, but I picked Jack not only for her awesome Biotic skills, but the fact that she just doesn’t give a damn about, well, pretty much anything. In a Zombie Apocalypse, you need someone who’s willing to make hard decisions for the good of the group. Jack’s lack of a moral center means that she doesn’t mind shooting zombie children in the face. And hey, sometimes, stuff like that’s just gotta get done.
Why you might not: She’s, like, kind of a huge bitch. Everything that I said above about why she would be great to have along would probably also apply here, since she’d most likely be unbearable to almost everyone else in the group. But hey, that’s the trade-off.
Ryu (Ninja Gaiden)
Zombies, you say? I got this.
Why you would want him: This dude is crazy good with a sword. Like, he can take out a bunch of other sword-wielding dudes no problemo, so a few hundred zombies shouldn’t be a problem. Also, the enemies that he normally fights are like, Gods and demons and sh*t. He’s pretty much the perfect zombie-killing companion; he’s not gonna run out of ammo, he’s got a strong sense of ninja-ly honor, and he’s fought DRAGONS. Like, a bunch of times.
Why you might not: People who hang out with Ryu have a tendency to die. He operates best as a Lone Wolf type, preferring not to let attachments drag him down. Plus, he throws ninja stars that explode, which sounds pretty dangerous. Most importantly, though, he’s kind of boring, which is a total deal-breaker for a zombie-hunting buddy.
Ivy (The SoulCalibur games)
Ivy, go kill those zom- uh, sorry, I’m gonna need a minute.
Why you would want her: One of the quickest and most efficient ways to deal with zombies is to behead them, which considering that Ivy’s weapon of choice is a sword-whip, doesn’t seem like it would be much of a problem for her. One swing of that thing and zombie heads would be raining down like confetti on New Year’s.
Also, Ivy’s dad is a Ghost Pirate, so she has some level of experience with the undead. Hopefully this doesn’t cause some projection issues, leading to her decapitating zombies while yelling "You’re not my REAL dad!"
Why you might not: Nobody who was raised by a ghost pirate can possibly be all that stable. Also, have you seen Ivy’s costume? I can’t imagine anything more distracting than that while trying to fight zombies. I mean, dear lord.
Oddjob (Goldeneye)
Aww, he’s adorable.
Why you would want him: Why wouldn’t you? Do you guys remember how annoying playing against Oddjob was in Goldeneye? He was so short that you couldn’t even see him if he got close enough to you, and you had to practically look down at your feet just to shoot him. The zombie’s wouldn’t even begin to know how to deal with this guy. He’d just run around in between their legs, blowing their heads off from below. He’s also got a hat that can decapitate people, which sounds like it was designed with a Zombie Apocalypse in mind. And, at the very least, watching him fight zombies would be hilarious.
Why you might not: It’s been a while since I’ve watched the Bond films, but I’m pretty sure Oddjob is, like, evil. Also, it would be impossible to have him along without making constant short-jokes, which he would no doubt start to get irritated by eventually.
Samus (Metroid)
I swear, she’s a really nice lady.
Why you would want her: Putting aside the fact that she’s a pretty lady, Samus is encased in full body armor, which means that she doesn’t have to worry about being bitten. She could barrel right through zombies, using her beam to vaporize them, or her bombs to blow them up. She can roll into a ball to help you reach hard-to-get-to places, and she is loyal and brave.
And did I mention that she’s pretty?
Why you might not: I’m not actually sure that her beam attack vaporizes things. It might, just like, zap ‘em, which wouldn’t do much to zombies. Also, Samus seems like a hard person to get to know, especially considering how infrequently she takes the suit off. And the girl fights space-bugs and space-pirates on a daily basis, but her non-space abilities are rather untested.
Batman (Arkham games)
The Goddamn Batman
Why you would want him: Because he’s Batman.
Why you might not: Shut up.
